A Rant About Rants…

As an inveterate reader, I read a lot of public commentary that follows online articles: political articles, self-help articles, opinion pieces, posed questions and answers on Quora, you name it. And one thing I’ve noticed is the pandemic of mean-spirited, condescending comments, even on articles that are about as noncontroversial as they come.

 

This morning on Quora I read answers to a question about whether it’s rude to ask for a takeout box when you can’t finish a meal. The person asked because his/her server apparently answered with an “OK” after a brief pause, and the customer thought the server was unhappy about it because s/he didn’t smile or say anything more.  Just “ok.”

 

All well and good.

 

The easy answer would have been, “No, it’s not rude to ask for a takeout box. Your server may have had a lot on his/her mind and been calculating how big a box you needed before saying OK, or any other number of things, as busy as servers are. But no harm, no foul: it’s perfectly okay to ask for a takeout box. That’s why restaurants have them (in addition to satisfying to go orders).”

 

Someone responded similarly to the above and was taken to task for not knowing how the OK was said.

 

Yes, attitude matters.  That’s true!

 

But then the matter escalated to a point where both respondents were treating each other like mortal enemies, instead of acknowledging each other’s statement as additional bits of valuable information.

 

The miscreant who started the whole thing demanded to know, “How many tables have YOU waited on?”

 

And away they went, treating each other as if they’d fired the first shot in World War III–demeaning, vilifying, crucifying each other. And I thought, “This is a hill worth dying on in public? Really?!”

 

In long-form improv (and in most decent, mutually-satisfying and enjoyable conversations, actually) there is something known as “Yes, And…” which is designed to make sure that most interactions don’t end up as knuckle-busting disagreements.

 

What “Yes, And…” does is assure that the person who says something will be responded to in a positive, proactive way, as if they’re in the same boat pulling on the oars together in the same direction, even if they’re diametrically-opposed characters (a pirate and a saint, for example–or Spock and McCoy, for Trekkers/Trekkies!).

 

For example, if an improv partner begins with, “Let’s climb El Capitan” his or her partner doesn’t say, “No, let’s go swimming…”  The partner says, “Sure!!”  even if he weighs 250 pounds and is five feet tall. The result (often hilarious on stage)  evolves out of the initial and continuing mutual agreement and the consequences of that agreement.

 

I’d sure like to see a lot more “Yes, And…” comments than I do, “You’re brain dead… you don’t know what you’re talking about… how stupid does someone have to be to believe what you do?” and the like.

 

When did we lose the ability to have a conversation that doesn’t devolve into a shouting match or calling each other nasty names?

 

I know I’ve covered this ground before, but it is beyond distressing to me to witness the slow-undoing of our social fabric. People with different opinions and experiences are treating each other like yesterday’s dung heap, buzzing with flies and crawling with maggots, instead of the questing spirits they are.

 

No one is right 100% of the time. No one is wrong 100% of the time. There are areas of mutual agreement. There are “Yes, And…” places where two people can reside peacefully together. These are the places that create and sustain civil-ization.

 

Hating on each other isn’t civil…yelling at each other isn’t helpful…These aren’t survival strategies.  These are MAD (mutually-assured-destruction) strategies. And I’m really sick of seeing them in print, on TV, in dystopian movies, and elsewhere…

 

I notice that most mean commenters won’t use their real names.  If people aren’t willing to “name it and claim it” under their own names, that says a lot to me.  They KNOW they’re being jerks; they KNOW there will be negative repercussions if they use their real names. They’d probably lose their jobs, or sever special relationships.

 

It’s why KKK members hid/hide their identities under pointy hoods. It’s why bank robbers cover their heads. There are consequences to behaving badly–so they do their best to sidestep them while still intent on carrying out their antisocial, intolerant and/or criminal behaviors.

 

But now they’re hiding in plain sight. They’re commenting, vilifying, and treating each other the way–in their heart of hearts–they would if they had the balls to name it and claim it in front of God and everybody, the way Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and other henchmen do.

 

Today’s haters are free and clear to hate, no holds barred. They aren’t even ashamed of their antisocial (sexist, racist, LGBT-phobic, cult-like) behaviors anymore. They believe, in their heart of hearts, they’re mainstream!!!

 

And that’s a dangerous precedent. We’ve never been this divided as a nation–even during the Civil War.

 

Unless we want to see another one, or a worldwide conflagration, we need to start thinking more along the lines of “Yes, And…” and less along the lines of “Fuck you, Ingrate!”