Changing My Pronouns, Beating My Chest

Three days ago I changed my pronouns from she and her to he, him and his and my name from “Kristine” to “Kris” on my FB profile.

 

Tonight I finally figured out how to change “Kristine M Smith Copywriter” to “Kris M Smith Copywriter” on my FB business page, although FB has to approve business name changes, which can take up to three days.

 

The public response to my pronoun changes? Heartwarming.

 

Literally dozens of people commented. Not one of the comments was derogatory or mean-spirited.

 

I got likes, loves, and a couple of ha ha‘s. I only know (personally) one of the folks who ha ha‘d the change, and I know he loves me.  He just probably can’t fathom me as male because he’s heavily influenced by what he observes. On me, that includes big boobs right now! (No amount of binding can hide them, and I can’t always bind because doing so causes chafing and worse beneath my breasts. So does wearing bras or going bra-less on hot days. I just can’t win!)

 

Maybe next year he’ll figure it out.

 

In 2018 I plan to lose my breasts once and for all.  Top surgery will make it easier for the folks who want to respect and embrace my truth to remember to call he him, his and sir. (I’m androgynous-looking otherwise: I’m often called sir when I’m wearing a heavy coat or jacket that successfully hides my chest.)

 

As long as I continue to pack these big balloons on my chest, it’s understandably hard to remember my preferred pronouns. And I really do hate my breasts. Always have, since the day they erupted and upended my life for decades by defeating so many of the life plans and career opportunities I envisioned for myself until they showed up.

 

So next year I’m going to rid myself of them. I want to live like the man I am for the rest of my life.

 

I’ve already talked to several FtM transgender folks who’ve had top surgery. They say it isn’t unduly uncomfortable (the painkillers are good) and that it doesn’t take very long to recover; the biggest limitation and frustration appears to be not being allowed to lift one’s arms overhead for about a month.

 

But what finally convinced me to do this was hearing that top surgery made them so happy!!!   It literally transformed their lives:

 

• They can go shirtless when they work outdoors on hot days (Yes!!! I have longed to do that all my life!)
• They get treated better in the workplace (Their insights and contributions aren’t swiped or discounted.)
• They can pursue physical activities and romantic relationships without having to worry about whether they’ll get beaten up or mislabeled “lesbian” “dyke” or “tomboy” for pursuing them
• and more…

 

I also plan to get a tummy tuck (hopefully at the same time, if that’s possible) because I lost an enormous amount of weight in my late 20’s and carry more than 14 pounds of excess, hanging skin on my stomach and abdomen (my physician estimates), which is not only unsightly but also causes severe chafing (as do pendulous breasts) in hot weather.

 

So this will be a physical makeover that will make me want to take better care of myself over all.

 

Up until now, there hasn’t been significant benefit in taking better care of myself because losing weight has never helped me look or feel all that much better.  When I lost weight, I had to deal with even more chafing and unsightly shar pei puppy-like hanging skin. (TMI, I know, but I’m being transparent here. Just be glad my clothes aren’t transparent!)

 

And, in fact, losing weight made me feel vulnerable to unwanted attention from men. I think after my  chest represents the guy I truly am,  that concern will go away and I’ll want to look better.

 

I can even envision myself taking on an exercise regimen that won’t end every summer after bike riding season ends.  I will want to take better care of myself all the time.

 

In fact, I’m so serious about this that I’m going to start exercising right now, in the dead of winter, so I’ll have as much extra weight off as I can get off before the surgery, so the tummy tuck can take off all of the remaining loose skin.

 

After surgery, I want to need a whole new wardrobe, one that includes unisex (or men’s) suits, vests, ties, glasses and shoes.

 

I want to be able to lose the feminine professional wardrobe that has never reflected the real me and start living life the way I planned to live it before I reached puberty, which threw me for such a life-long loop–right up until last year when I wrote Womb Man and decided to name and claim my true identity.

 

I’m very much looking forward to this transformation!  Stay tuned and wish me luck!